She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
