what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
