I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
