Your face is a jimmy john
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
