just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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