Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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