I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
