Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
