Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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