And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize
