Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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