She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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