hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I met the friendliest cop last night
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
