No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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