i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
