i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
