Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
