wrigley field is MILF paradise
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
