When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
