i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize