just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
