is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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