im about as happy as oj after his trial
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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