3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
