I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
