Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
