I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
