my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
