Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
