over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
