Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
