last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
