Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
