Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
