I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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