Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You're a waste of cheezeits
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
