God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
