Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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