Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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