dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
