Just cropdusted the office
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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