apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
