One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need a burrito and a hug.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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