Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
