so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
