I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
