Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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