Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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