My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
