I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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