We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
