im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
