I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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