I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
